Sonder (to my friend)

   Looking back to my high school life there was once a time where I thought love was terribly and utterly overrated. I would roll my eyes in exasperation upon hearing the very word. I would even sigh at couples swinging their intertwined hands in public, shaking my head at their naive ingenuousness                                                   

Love didn't need to be woven into the storyline of every movie, and it certainly didn't need to be the focus of seemingly every song on the radio. But maybe I couldn't fathom society's absurd emphasis on this strange emotion because I had never truly experienced it for myself.

Until he came along.

I couldn't remember when does it happen or how does it happen. You can't see it coming, but it does makes you unsteady, makes you question everything you believe, making you infuriatingly an inecxplicably drawn to 'that person'.
Making the reason why you can't sleep at night at some point.

The human emotion. You'll never truly understand it.

Because you were my first crush, I recall being extremely confused when my feelings for you initially began to sprout. I was 14, you were 17 and it was your last year of high school.
I would ask myself why my heart started beating faster whenever I saw you or being near you, or why I felt so warm and joyful all the time.

As I came to the realization that I was floating through the first stages of 'puppy love', I began to embrace it head on. Everytime before class started, my bestfriend and I would deliberately hanging out at the balcony along our class stalking for cute boys at the hallway and I would always looking for you cause' I know you're always there hanging out with your friends and with a butterfly-filled stomach I was brave enough to talk to you even though I was afraid to the idea of talking to boys.

And everytime when I missed the chance of seeing you while my friend did, I feel like my world is spinning, like I could pass out anytime soon. Especially after you graduated and I never know when will I ever see you again. I even once prayed to God so I can see you just once cause it's been a long time since I last saw you.

I never talk about you a lot with anybody except my bestfriend cause' she's the only one who would understand me for liking you and never actually make fun of me for crushing so hard since you were this nerdy smart boy who got straight A's every single exams.

That was also one of the things I really admire about you. 

There is this one day I was so mad at you during St John Ambulance association camping where you woke us up at 1 am for some stupid task we need to do. I was extremely tired at that time and barely get any sleep. All jokes aside, I actually hate you the entire night.

Until the next day, I can't stay mad at you anymore cause you're being stupidly cute and I hate that I fall for that but I can't help it.

That day was also one of the most memorable day for me, I  guess I'll never forget that. 

I remember that one night during camp you were struming your guitar serenading the song 'We were young' by the band Fun and I never listen to the song the same since then. 

Looking back at all these memories about you is damn crazy on how you've changed my life. Before I met you, I had admired a few celebrities whom I thought were aesthetically appealing and yet quickly got bored of their near-perfect looks. Because here's the thing: as far as appreances go, (if I'm being completely honest,) you weren't the most handsome. But when I came to the realization that I really, really liked you simply for who you were. I liked you for your 'je ne sais quoi'  and for the confident yet approachable way in which you carried yourself.  

I guess I'll never regret that.

But if anyone ever ask what is it like to like someone this much and unable to express it to them. To hold so much love inside that it's almost eating you alive and be completely helpless to do anything about it, I would say it's agonizing.

Falling for you was the easy part; it's admitting it to myself that it happened that's hard. You 

see I've had these very efficient defences for so long and you didn't even notice them. How rude. I guess they were meant for others and you had your own door.

Stranger, that's all I see.

a soulmate who wasn't meant to be.

Maybe I am under control but I will never understand. I never should've said, I've fallen in love with you cause you'll never hear it.

But in the end we all become stories. There are goodbyes that feel like a closed chapter, but yours didn't. It felt like the pages were ripped out at the last page. And I have to keep the book closed cause' they are no point of continuing it.

 -cxln-