And I loved him #1

I know how it feels, sitting there trying to figure out what you could have done differently. Playing scenarios over and over in your head. Analyzing the world trying to figure out the exact moment things went wrong. Questioning yourself and whether it was all worth the wait.

I mean, why isn’t your love enough? Why doesn’t this person see how amazing you are and how much you have to offer? Why are you chasing this person just to get things work when there almost pointless?

Oh wait, that is the pointless thing that I was talking about? 

It’s waiting for something that might never happen. It’s looking at someone who doesn’t see you. It’s thinking about someone day and night while you probably never cross their mind. It’s looking at your phone hoping they’d text you or call you as they call someone else. It’s reaching out to them with so much fervor as they respond with indifference.

A One-sided love. Torture, battlefield, and heartbreak as it's definition. Do people actually call this thing love? I definitely disagree even though I was one of those people too and I was definitely wrong.

 It’s a crush. It’s infatuation. It’s obsession. It's not LOVE.

It's liking the idea of someone. But real love is never one-sided. Real love is reciprocate. Real love is patient. Real love is understanding, it is about two people embarking on a wonderful journey together with all ups and downs and willingly choosing each other. It's two people trying to accept each other and love the worst parts of one another. It's two people promising to be for each other in sickness and in health.  

It's loyalty. It's reassurance. It's commitment. It's intimacy. It's depth. It's strength. It's a reason to live longer. It's the reason to have faith in life. Real love heals. One-sided love breaks.  Real love is the only love you need to look for stop wasting your time waiting if it's not worth it. One-sided love is anything but love. It's a poetic term for heartbreak. It's a poetic term for suffering. 

                                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the first guy that I thought I loved before and the one who broke my heart.

Looking at it now, it all seems so simple those times where I thought you were the only one that made me feel like why would I need the supermoon when I could just look at pictures of you. Maybe I was too young to feel that way I was just 14 years old or maybe  I was just stupid.

I wish I know what awaited ahead was my own downfall.

On the 10th June 2012 where it all started. 

The First Heartbreak. 

The night before was my brother's wedding and (let us call this person Clint since his name started with the letter C) Clint you were my brother's bestfriend and that is why my brother choose you as his honorable bestman.

Do you remember a day before the wedding when the real bridesmaid couldn't make it and my cousin Pammy told me to take her place just for the rehearsal? 

I was so nervous to the thought of standing beside you all the way to the front alter but at the same time, there is this exciting feeling couldn't be denied and those wild butterflies just unbearable to ignore. I remember feeling as if I'm the luckiest girl on earth.

Do you remember the next day on our way to the church and we were sitting next to each other and secretly stealing glances at each other through the rear-view mirror of my dad's car? You thought I didn't notice that right? 
But I do because it happened more than once in the whole day. 

You made me feel some kind of way when I know I'm not supposed to. I'm so pathetic am I?

And the night of the wedding I remember when we wore a matching colour outfit you were as surprised as I am when we looked at each other's outfit and both of us saying "hey, we're on the same colour," and then you smiled.

That damn smile.

 That night, everything happened so fast I almost never wanted it to end cause we're having so much fun celebrating my brother's day.

Everyone has drunk off their asses including you. You sang a song dedicated to my brother it was 'Bed of Roses' by Bon Jovi it was a beautiful song but damn until this time I can't even listen to that song without thinking about you.

Still I run out of time 
Or it's hard to get through 

-Bed of roses by Bon Jovi

Those were the happy times and I truly appreciate that.

 Love, 

 celine