The Art of Giving too Much

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Image result for Unrequited love aestheticPeople used to ask me why is it so hard for me to loosen up myself and emotionally accept someone in my life or why am I so picky in terms of finding a boy to try to fall in love with. Well, first of all, the very most important thing that people need to know is: I AM TERRIFIED. 
 Yes, I'm scared to fall in love with the wrong person like I once did. It wasn't like I'm not ready, I'm actually so ready and I have no problem in this kind of commitment but only if you are the right person.
   
   Let me tell you this if I love you, I'm going to love you so much more than you deserve and I'm willing to give my whole heart even if I know that I won't get the same in reciprocate. 
I know I sound so pathetic, so stupid, and desperate but it is just who I naturally am.  And because of knowing myself being this way, I keep holding myself whenever I started to like someone. I'm trying to keep myself from easily giving my whole emotion filled with the thoughts of this particular person.

So this is like a warning to some of the guys out there, please don't flatter yourself whenever I had a crush on you because it's most likely not going to be a permanent thing if you're not the one. 

Sometimes I really hate myself for being this way. And apparently, right now there is this person that is in my prayer every night asking God for a miracle so one day we'll finally see each other.

There is this guy I can never stop thinking about. Whenever I see his name, it trips me up. Even if it's one that belongs to many others, even if he belongs to someone else. He is the symbol of my weakness, my kryptonite. How he rushes in like wildfire and burns through everything I worked so hard to build since he last left me in ashes. He is the one who haunts my lonely mind at 3a.m. I set myself on fire for someone who only stayed to watched me burn and that is the tragedy of unrequited love.

 God, I sound so desperate, people out there would probably think I'm so stupid and would most likely tell me to suck it up and move on because he doesn't even know I exist. 

HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.

I hated how sometimes I speak so highly of him. When I speak of him like he puts the stars in the sky when he did nothing but breaks me so god damn much that the cracks in my heart were practically visible through my eyes. 

But that's the thing about love isn't it?
You let them get away with murder, even if it's your own.

I find out that things like this repeat like a cycle in my life except it is with a different person. And I'm so scared how it causes me to barely have control on my own emotion.

I'm actually falling in love with him and it terrifies me. Not because love is essentially a scary aspect of life but because I know that he could tear me apart and shatter me into million little pieces like I'm a sheet of glass. And the worst part is I would let him. I would let myself hold onto something that is almost invisible.

It's so hard wasn't it? Being so into one person that it almost kills you.


-cxln-


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